Gotta tell ya Santa, I'm disappointed

Now, onto some unpleasant business. I don't want to end the year by whining but I have to tell you I'm disappointed with the piker nature of your Christmas Eve deliveries to some Alaskans. (Your elves probably mentioned Wall Street money managers recently were gifted with nearly a trillion gifts under the tree while the Big Three automakers found their stockings full of billions in cash. 'You better watch out' or your job will be outsourced to Washington, D.C. Those politicians don't even care if you've been naughty or nice before they spread around seasonal cheer.)
     You know, we didn't really ask for much for some of our shining lights up here in Alaska--our list of Santa earmarks was puny compared to what we used to send to Uncle Ted. We pared our list to next to nothin' but you cut even deeper than Sarah when she dealt with Southeastern capital projects.
     Let me remind you of what was on the list for some of Alaska's political actors (this list, by the way, is a public record and should be available to anyone who wants to file a Freedom of Information Request with the attorney general and who has a couple grand to pay the executive branch to disgorge the info from the bowels of the bureaucracy):
     Gov. Sarah Palin really did need that mobile phone with the new application called Loopt. With Loopt, she can program in folks and the nifty new app will pinpoint those folks on a map to within 30 feet. She can find out where her new best friend, re-elected with her barnstorming help, Sen. Saxby Chambliss is hangin' or see if that wily and ambitious Mitt Romney is wandering around those early primary states. She won't even have to read newspapers or magazines to find out if Katie Couric is in the neighborhood.
     Incoming Senate President Gary Stevens really wanted that paint-by-numbers kit. Gary is an accomplished artist. (I know what you're thinking but get rid of that notion—just because he's a politician doesn't mean he's an abstract painter. He actually trends toward the romantic realism school of art.) In his new role, numbers will control what his end-of-session canvas looks like. The number of members in his caucus could be some rosy hue, the budget numbers should be any color but red, the number of votes ought to be green, the number of days to get things done should be some sunset hue, and just paint in blue the number of unmuzzled and unhelpful comments by members of his majority. Remember, Alaskans want a session that resembles a classic Sydney Laurence painting rather than an undecipherable Jackson Pollock splatter canvas and painting by numbers kinda by definition guarantees control.
     Former Public Safety Commissioner Walt Monegan wanted a copy of your 'naughty and nice' list. He actually would have settled for only the nice names since, after a few decades in local law enforcement (though too little time at the state level), he knows the naughties. But, now that he's filed to run for Anchorage mayor, the list of nice folks (with addresses) could have been the basis for his first campaign contribution solicitation mailing.
     Senator-elect Mark Begich desperately needed his own Incredible Hulk necktie. Mild-mannered Begich actually thinks of himself more in the Clark Kent/Superman mode but the Hulk did deliver for Alaska and Mark would look funny wearing a cape on the floor of the U.S. Senate during budget and ANWR debates.
     Attorney General Talis Colberg lusted after the new edition of Subpoena Compliance for Dummies. That's the one with the revised forward by the Alaska court system which notes compliance with lawfully authorized subpoenas really is not voluntary as he stated. Now the legislature will have to buy him a copy.
     State Senate Minority Leader Gene Therriault also could have used a book. Once again failing to garner more than a handful of his Senate colleagues under his wing, he's leading a tiny minority of just four in the Senate. That copy of People who Can't Love – How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Person Before They Break Your Heart could have come in handy in his future endeavors.
     House Minority Leader Beth Kerttula is a selfless soul and didn't ask for much. But she absolutely needed that video of the classic movie Lawrence of Arabia. For a decade now she's been wandering in the desert of the House minority. The travails of Lawrence would have reminded her that the pursuit of a goal is sometimes necessary over a long period of time and there's nobility in perseverance.
     Finally, Santa, I've been trying to keep this focused on the disappointment of some of my colleagues whose wishes did not come true. But allow me to suggest that I'd have preferred a few lumps of coal in my stocking instead of the Dick Cheney coffee mug and the Christopher Moore book Practical Demon Keeping. I'll now have to regift the mug to Palin Truth-squadder Meghan Stapleton and the book to the governor's press flack Bill McAllister.

Until next December, yours in service,

Kim Elton