Terry Haines is a Kodiak deckhand and representative for Fish Heads, an advocacy group dedicated to preserving the vitality of Alaska's fishing communities. Contact Terry Haines

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Our Government is The Best Little Whorehouse In America

August 11th, 2006

Kodiak, Alaska

The United States Congress is becoming a high priced whorehouse. Pimps wearing shiny Armani suits - the lobbyists- are leaning and laughing in the doorways, waiting to take money from the "johns"- corporate executives- for a few minutes whispering into the ear of the seductive Senator Specter or the ever sexy Senator Stevens. In this next election Alaska has a chance to decide whether to follow its example.

Alaska's Senator Stevens, the Xaviera Hollander of the North, has accepted 4.2 million dollars worth of contributions to his campaign committee since 1999, even though he has run virtually unopposed since the early Bronze Age. The treasurer of the committee, Timmy McKeever, is one of the most powerful pimps in Washington, sitting in on appropriations deals worth millions, but even though he once served as Uncle Ted's chief of staff, he says there is no conflict of interest, and that he rarely lobbies the powerful Senator, whose nickname is "The Appropriator". Uncle Ted's skirt has been pretty short lately, though, and he's having a hard time keeping his business covered up, what with the Boeing Fiasco, the Adak Scam, a Crab Rider that was full of ratz, and all the other tricks of his trade.

Dick Cheney must be Uncle Ted's hero. Among the many favors he has granted his corporate "gentleman callers", my favorite is his refusal to name the participants of a group encounter- his secret meetings that formed the basis for our National Energy Policy. Of course he was compelled to confess to meeting with former Enron executive Ken Lay six times. The Energy policy that was subsequently adopted contained seventeen provisions that directly benefited Enron (though not enough, apparently). At least one of the Executive Orders on Energy Policy was nearly a word for word duplicate of proposals submitted by the American Petroleum Institute. That means that lobbyists are literally writing the laws for themselves. All they require is a rubber stamp from your legislator, eliminating that awkward public process.

Of course anyone following the North Pacific Fisheries Management Council is familiar with lobbyists writing their own laws. A recent example is the "Pilot" Rockfish Program, which is being made permanent behind closed doors as you read this. Written by a lobbyist and shoved down our throats by Uncle Ted along with the Crab Rider, this sleazy little law creates monopolies of resource and marketplace, and is a lie from start to finish. It isn't even about rockfish; it's about selling the more valuable bycatch species they are "accidentally" catching along with them.

They are having a wonderful time at the NPFMC- the pimps have taken over, with corporate lobbyists dominating the seats, right up to Madame Chair. Their crusade to privatize and monopolize all the fish in Alaska has been overwhelmingly opposed by Alaskans. Still, they continue to implement these "lobbyist laws" through their favorite person to call when they visit Washington DC- the sexy Senator Stevens. His ability to bully his fellows in the Appropriations and Commerce Committees has ensured that Trident Corporation can have its laws enacted as easily as Enron, by foregoing that awkward public process.

Speaking of bullies, I was ashamed to watch the Alaska Legislature roll onto its belly like a submissive dog for the Governor. He literally treated them like misbehaving children, threatening to keep them after school until they passed his new tax scheme for the big oil companies. The kinder, gentler oil tax is a part of a gas pipeline deal he has written up on a series of bar napkins during closed door sessions with industry executives. Frank the bank is more of a schoolyard tough than a hooker, and he basically twisted the legislature's arm until it cried and sniveled to go home to mommy. Well, Alaska Legislature, now that you're home in mother's arms, I hope she kisses your boo-boo and then gives you a swat on the rear and tells you to go back to the schoolyard and stand up for your rights. The fact is a tax on "profits" is asking for a war of accountants.

Ever read "Catch 22"? One of the characters, Milo Minderbinder, buys eggs in Malta for seven cents and sells them to the mess hall for five cents.

'I don't understand why you buy eggs for seven cents apiece in Malta and sell them for five cents.'

'I do it to make a profit.'

'But how can you make a profit? You lose two cents an egg.'

'But I make a profit of three and a quarter cents an egg by selling them for four and a quarter cents an egg to the people in Malta I buy them from for seven cents an egg. Of course, I don't make the profit. The syndicate makes the profit. And everybody has a share.'

Yossarian felt he was beginning to understand. 'And the people you sell the eggs to at four and a quarter cents apiece make a profit of two and three quarter cents apiece when they sell them back to you at seven cents apiece. Is that right? Why don't you sell the eggs directly to you and eliminate the people you buy them from?'

'Because I'm the people I buy them from,' Milo explained.

Like Milo, the oil companies will always play a shell game that makes it appear that they don't make a profit (Enron played the same game in reverse- making it appear that they were making a profit). It should not be they job of the State of Alaska to chase the oil companies through their books.

Now let's talk about what we're really talking about - Sarah Palin.

I strongly suggest every registered voter visit her website. It stands out for being strong on particulars. Generally a politician deals in broad strokes: favoring goodness and education, without saying exactly how they plan to get there. Sarah, who has already taken on the oil companies, and has promised to wrassle with rationalization when elected, has taken some obvious time and effort to make her thoughts very clear on the issues. Whether you vote for her or not, visit her website and click on "Issues". You will be a better informed voter if you do.

Her two most looming opponents, John Binkley and Tony Knowles, sound like purebred politicians. Mr. Binkley is for goodness. He promises to eliminate obvious conflict of interest problems. Basically, he wants them to pull their skirts down a little. I think a stanza from the Governor's song in "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas" best summarizes his platform:

Now my good friends, it behooves me to be solemn and declare,

I'm for goodness and for profit and for living clean and saying daily prayer.

And now, my good friends, you can sleep nights, I'll continue to stand tall.

You can trust me, for I promise, I shall keep a watchful eye upon ya'll...

Mr. Knowles is in favor of education. I wonder if he really expects to get into a hot debate with someone who is against "book larnin'? He sounds an awful lot like his fellow Yale graduate, George Bush, who managed to win a debate in the Texas governor's race by answering every question "I'm for education!" I can easily imagine him singing this stanza from the same song:

Fellow Texans, I am proudly standing here to humbly say:
I assure you, and I mean it - Now, who says I don't speak out as plain as day?
And, fellow Texans, I'm for progress and the flag - long may it fly.
I'm a poor boy, come to greatness. So, it follows that I cannot tell a lie.

Three candidates in this election have shown themselves to be independent, honest, and ethical. They are Sarah Palin, Eric Croft, and Andrew Halcro. Take the time to listen to these three talk. They actually say things. Now listen to all the rest. If you feel all warm and fuzzy when they're done, but mostly fuzzy, don't vote for them.